Banter: The Thing That Makes The World Go Round
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Oliver and Myrnin get married. What happens? CRACKFIC for LunaMoon2012. R


_Pure, utter crack, for __**lunamoon2012**_

_I don't own anything_

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~x~

Myrnin sits down in his chair in the marital home, wondering where his husband, Oliver, is. _He's supposed to be home from work already_, he rolls his eyes as he thinks this, wondering why he married the slimy, mean git who is only good for making coffee and…oh yes, Myrnin grins widely.

Amelie cut his science budget from $12,000,000 down to $10,000,000 and Myrnin just absolutely could _not_ live with that, even though he had only spent the other two million dollars on food and equipment for Bob and his breeding partner, Linda. Anyway, he had to find the money _somewhere_, so, after a lot of digging, he found that Oliver has hundreds of millions in all his little bank accounts.

So he married him.

"Are you home?" Oliver calls through, actually seeming pretty happy in the marriage. That's probably because every day brings another one of Myrnin's gold pieces added to his collection, just as a million dollars leaves his bank account.

"Yes, we're going to watch a film," excitable Myrnin comes through, bouncing up and down in his chair.

The screen is paused on the title page, **THE LION KING** written in block capitals across the 50" screen. Needless to say that Myrnin has been attempting to recreate the writing on huge sheets of sugar paper himself, then getting bored and drawing Oliver being hung again and again.

"Why are we watching the lion king?" Oliver sighs, taking a seat in his less comfy chair because these were the two Amelie donated when she "got rid of her main problems" and Myrnin nabbed the comfier one.

That made Oliver cry like a little girl.

"_Because_," Myrnin replies, as if it's obvious, "Lion King is _the_ best Disney film of all time." and with that, he crosses his arms defiantly and presses the play button.

Oliver gets up and stands in front of the TV and presses pause, fiddling in the DVD cabinet for another DVD and producing it with a "WHAM" noise that sounds like he's trying to be George Michael, 2011.

"_This_ is the best Disney film on the planet, period." Oliver holds up Mary Poppins, a grin spreading onto his face as he remembers the highlights of it.

Myrnin looks at the cover, disinterest on his face, and shakes his head. "No," he replies. "We're watching the Lion King."

"You got to choose yesterday!" Oliver whines. "_And_ the day before…and the day before…_and_ the day before…and…" Myrnin cuts him off because he doesn't want to hear that he has chosen the DVD every day for their entire marriage – which, everyone, is approaching the ninth day.

Nine days without (obvious) plots to kill one another. Amelie has been able to have a little holiday away with Sam because she knows that she will have a town, which is always a bonus when you think your husband is going to go poof again somehow.

"Yeah?" Myrnin replies defiantly, taking a Claire stance on life. "_I_ am better, so I get to choose. And I _want lion king_!"

He tries to make Oliver move but he doesn't succeed, only getting Oliver's crotch…which he proceeds to twist in a painful way.

"ARGH!" Oliver screams like a girl and moves out of the way, allowing Myrnin to press the play button again. The music begins – circle of life – and he begins to sing along very loudly and extremely out of tune.

"CIRCLE OF LIFE!" he screeches in his best singing voice, regretting killing the parrot because it used to repeat him. He told Oliver that he had hallucinated in the night and killed his prized pet.

Oliver cried again.

"I. Want. To. Watch. Mary. Poppins," through gritted teeth, Oliver demands this, sounding like a little child who didn't get the chocolate she wanted.

"I want to throw you off a bridge but I haven't, have I?" Myrnin replies dryly, not bothering to be nice because he's already nicked $9 million and only needs a bit more to make sure that he can build the underground waterslide like on BarclayCard adverts.

"There _are_ no bridges in Morganville!" Oliver, as he is trying (and failing) to take Claire's spot as the cleverest in town, throws in but Myrnin ignores him.

"I was referring to _pre_-Morganville, idiot," Myrnin replies as the film gets boring after three seconds – lion cubs are _so_ dull. "And since you're still walking and talking – no matter how much rubbish you spout out – I evidently had the self restraint not to kill you."

"You're mean to me," Oliver's lower lip quivers as he pretends to be all upset before he plots to get the DVD out of the machine and to be watching Mary Poppins.

"You smell of poo, Oliver, so it's not that hard to be mean to you," Myrnin is distracted, so Oliver can sneak up behind the wall and set fire to one of his prized pieces of paper in the lab.

"Oh my, there's a freak fire in the lab," Oliver says sneakily, watching as Myrnin jumps up screaming as he rushes to the lab in the back. as soon as he's through the door, Oliver locks it and slides the disc out of the DVD player and puts in his own.

.

By the time that Myrnin can stop crying about the loss of some piece of paper and get out of the lab without breaking anything _or_ calling Amelie for help, Oliver has watched half the film, eaten all the popcorn and stolen Myrnin's chair…oh, and labelled his old one:

**THIS IS MYRNIN'S CHAIR BECAUSE MYRNIN IS A DOG AND DOESN'T DESERVE A GOOD CHAIR**!

"You…you _man-whore_!" Myrnin calls Oliver, digging out the claws in their first married couple fight.

"You dog…now shut up, I like this film," Oliver replies distractedly.

Removing the disc from the DVD player and smashing it into smithereens is Myrnin's response to this.

"Oh, look, the Lion King is still in one piece so we should watch that," he says in a conversational manner, plonking the disc in the player and returning to where it was before, standing in front of the TV so Oliver can't do anything.

After five minutes of Oliver's crying over the loss of Mary (not really a loss, in all honesty), Myrnin finds himself being rugby tackled by Oliver in a way that means the television is knocked over…and the DVD player is broken.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" is the sound that issues from Myrnin's mouth as he realises that the lion king disc has broken. "YOU ARE GETTING DIVORCED, YOU PIG!" he shrieks at Oliver, who shrugs.

"I have half your gold bars so I'm fine," he boasts, dialling a number to get his team of attackers against Myrnin instantly now they're separating.

"I stole all your secret little bank accounts money, so I win," Myrnin says smugly, lying a little because he hasn't taken it all but if he presses 9 on his phone…

…Oliver's stack of books and other items Myrnin can strongly relate to the Victorian brothel industry blow up with a boom, leaving Oliver starkers because all his clothes spontaneously combusted also.

Maybe it was 6 that got all the money.

"I HATE YOU!" Oliver shrieks, curling up on Myrnin's chair and crying because he's naked in front of Myrnin.

"You can have the chair," Myrnin is disgusted beneath the tears for the fallen kings of the lions before remembering that he has the three-dimensional version upstairs so can watch that!

Oliver runs away that night with the chair whilst Myrnin eats feasts of food and covers himself with the ashes of Oliver's possessions, grinning as he now is a billionaire.

YAY!

_~x~_

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_The end._

_Don't fav or read without reviewing please and thanks._

_Danielle, hope you liked it._

_Vicky xx_


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